soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
