Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
