Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
