My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
