Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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