"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
