tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
