That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
