I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
