I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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