matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
