If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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