last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
