can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
