All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
