Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't turn off my feet"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
