four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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