According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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