fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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