burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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