We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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