She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
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Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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