Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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