I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He shit in the fireplace
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
