Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
