Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
