What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
