My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
