Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
