I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
