I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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