Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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