Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
