I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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