Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
