hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
