the new term for farting is butt boxing.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
