I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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