I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
