I want to walk on stilts...naked
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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