I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
