its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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