The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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