Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
