We're facebook friends in real life
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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