Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
two words...techno handjob
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
