I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
