Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
