you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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