life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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