I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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