see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
