there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
