When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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